i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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