There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
