His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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