we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
