He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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