Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
