I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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