Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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