The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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