this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
