remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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