bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
