Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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