i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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