I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
i just made my gag reflex go away.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Randomize
