im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
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