Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
