Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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