Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
