She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
