Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
