You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
