My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize