Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
