I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
