Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
