allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
