i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
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