didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Randomize
