3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
