k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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