Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
