You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
