Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
