i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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