OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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