I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
