Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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