she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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