You don't have asthma, your pregnant
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
