Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
