Taylor Swift is so right about you.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
