dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
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