She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
