if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
