dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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