She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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