The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
