Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Randomize
