Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize