I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
