I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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