I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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