I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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