2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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