If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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