Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
