I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
