everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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