The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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