GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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