its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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